Where do I Begin …

So here I am, Where do I begin… Well I’ve decided to start a blog and take that leap into the unknown. Why now you ask? Answer – Not entirely sure why now to be honest, my first thought was I have so many thoughts, need to let them out.I find myself turning into that person,  the one you casually meet that blurts her life story out at once. And of late it has become more frequent and very awkward believe me. Especially when people try to avoid you or avoid asking the question ‘How are you coping’ to which I reply with a flurry of different answers that leads into a ramble, as if I’m surprised with the question and don’t know how to answer. Truth be told 9 times out of 10 I don’t know what to say and honestly I don’t expect others to either. So I thought, why not blog about it,  use this space to share thoughts, feelings and words, and maybe then I won’t ramble on when I meet folk or better yet not have people avoid me to save us both on all these awkward exchanges.

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I’m 34 soon to be 35 and I’m a widow, my husband left, he died suddenly. Yes, that tends to be how I awkwardly blurt it out, more often than not to complete strangers. Prime example, on a trip to Curry’s PC World in search of a replacement cable,  I decided to make an impulse purchase on a new laptop. A MacBook to be precise, and let me tell you by far the most awkward exchange yet. The poor woman in the store didn’t know what to say or do, bless her she ended up giving me discounts and freebies to try lighten the mood. It must have seemed to her like I was casually talking about the weather. The woman was bewildered and shocked at the way  I just blurted it out but I don’t blame her I would have been too. Why do I randomly share this information about my life, and to anyone that will listen? Answer – No clue, still trying to figure that one out, but I’m hoping I will soon as I’d like to not experience these awkward moments with people, including strangers.

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So I’m an Irish gal who married the most amazing Swede, in 2014. I meet this beautiful man the beginning of 2009. It was love at first sight and back then I remember thinking I’m going to marry this man and we will grow old and senile together. We didn’t get to the grow old part. My wonderful husband died suddenly aged just 35 in November 2015. That was when my bursting heart full of love for this amazing man, just fell into so many broken pieces, I don’t even know how to explain my pain. It was so sudden it didn’t feel real. Just like a bad nightmare one can’t escape or wake from. I couldn’t believe it at first, that my loving husband, best friend and soul mate was just gone, forever, so suddenly. I just didn’t believe it was true. When I got the news I happened to be with my family and I remember asking them, tell me it’s not real, tell me he isn’t gone, tell me he is still alive and that none of this is happening. I remember screaming the words and literally willing them to tell me – No, it’s not real. I screamed because to say it softly wouldn’t have been convincing enough for them, I needed them to tell me what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want the truth because I wanted it to be my truth, that he wasn’t gone. Unfortunately it was real and when they finally brought me round to my now reality moments later, that was when I lost that bursting heart full of love feeling , even now it hasn’t returned and to be honest I feel never will. But I hope that it will in some way come back, someday.

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So I find myself asking, Where do I begin… to feel that loving feeling again. To feel anything but emptiness. I want to feel what I felt when he was still here. But there is mostly emptiness and great sadness. A big hole in my heart, in my gut, in my soul. I’m trying to piece all these broken pieces back together to try feel again. To feel that warm fussy bursting heart full of love feeling, without wanting to tear my heart from my chest, put it in my hands and franticly pump it, to make it beat again. It feels broken, not working right, not working the way I want it to or need it to. So where do I begin? Answer – For now I just breathe … and grab onto a presence of hope and strength, which I believe is from my husband for it’s a feeling that wasn’t there before, well at least I didn’t know it was. I’m trying to use my mind and not my broken heart right now. In life I only ever listened and followed my heart, for it always seen me right, for it found me this amazingly talented, loving, caring man, that was my husband. So this small feeling of hope and strength that is present now, I’m putting it all down to my husband, I can hear his voice telling me to be strong, willing me even. This feeling is the only positive feeling I have right now, and it has to be better than emptiness, so I’ll focus on that and bury any other for now and continue with small steps for it has only been 7 months.

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