Lost in thoughts and memories . . .

I find myself drifting these past few days, drifting and lost in thoughts.. My mind is full of so many memories it’s almost like they are fighting among each other to be remembered first..

It’s funny but sad because there is a mix of happy memories which make me miss you so very badly and then I get so incredibly sad in a matter of seconds.. Very much like the saying “to pull on your heart strings” except for me it pierces straight through like a dart and you can almost feel your hand reaching to your chest to sooth it. A strong feeling that can come over you at any time, anywhere, and some times all the time, and others when you are in mid conversation with someone. Kinda like your heart saying hang on a second, so it brings you to a stop and to a memory that distracts you from the very thing you need distracting from. It’s extremely confusing because you don’t know where your head or heart is half of the time. But you try take a moment to rebalance the thoughts and breath to get you back on track. But there is a dull feeling inside wishing you were back at that very time you were making those memories. 

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I’m coming up to my 35 birthday in a few days and I really do wish I could go back in time or freeze it even. Mostly though to go back in time, to this time last year. So that we were sitting on the cliff side in the park area over looking the castle the very place we got married. It was a surprise birthday treat you took me on for my birthday and you brought champagne and strawberries and a blanket and we just sat there and looked over at the beautiful view, making a memory. A very special one, almost like you somehow knew that you wouldn’t be here for my next birthday. How strange that feels now, because all the last moments we shared especially all the ones you made so special. I think now and ask myself regularly, did you know, is that why you made them so special so that I would remember them and think oh my wasn’t I so incredibly lucky to have you spoil me but most importantly give me these memories to remember and make me feel so very loved by you. And this is where I wish I could go back in time and freeze it… for eternity…


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