Upon reflection over the past year, 2016… for me has been one I can describe as Life changing… and one year I’ll never ever forget. For it changed me, changed me forever, in so many ways. It’s incredibly hard to describe, even I find it hard to articulate, to put into words to give you a small insight to how it has truly been.. to put simply, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions, feelings and experiences !
From hearing some people say – “How have you gotten through it? You’ve been so strong! You are doing fantastic! I wouldn’t have been able if it were me, I’d not get out of bed every day! “
So after these few months, I’ll begin to break my months of silence. which for me have been months of reflection, of survival, understanding grief, anger, frustration, depression, the many complications and long stressful timely process of dealing with the important practical stuff, to the basic tasks of “getting through” the day, weeks, months and now a year! I can safely say I’m definitely not the same person. But in ways it’s a good thing, if I was to find good out of this year that is. It’s made me see life from different eyes. The ups and downs of what life has thrown at me this past year has been truly challenging and don’t I know only too well, it will continue.
One thing that has found my path along this crazy journey- Signs !. Be it lunacy more like, I hear some people say, but you truly grasp onto anything you see or feel that gives you the strength to get through the days. You can almost hear people thinking, “Has she totally gone nuts and lost the plot !” But If I can give anyone reading this any advice, I plead for you even, just go along with it.. For this bizzare new found obsession – it helps..well it’s getting me by anyway..
You find yourself saying – well I often find myself saying these few the most –
” Are you here ” .. “Ah that was you I know it was you ” .. “That was the hubby” .. “I can’t find my keys, babe can you help me find them “, and then out of nowhere, they appear, “knew you would find them” .. “If you can hear me, if you can see me, can you give me a sign you are close by, I miss you ” ..
The list goes on; from the signs obsession, to my new little four legged best friend not leaving my side on the sad days picking up on everything that is going on around him, to the 50 million emotions in the one day, the outbursts, the good days, the crash days and the finding of feathers, or butterflies even, in the most bizzare times .. Trust me somedays you feel you are going mad but you aren’t, it’s all part of the brain, mind, heart and soul processing it all. You are just trying to process the every day. It’s hard too people trying to give you the ‘textbook‘ advice on how it ‘should‘ be done. But my experience on it has been the tough one to get my head around, for I feel myself saying, unless you are me, don’t think you know how I should be doing it. So to save yourself on the heartache you exclude yourself from any possible situation for anything coming up and you picking it up in the wrong way, because 100% of the time you absolutely will. But you do have to learn to throw yourself back into it and ‘DEAL’ with it. It’s no ones fault it’s just a learning curve, and it’s the Irish way too. We say alot of grief jargin thinking we are all experts and know what to be saying, but majority of the time we just say words because we feel we have to fill a silence or give a response as you share how you are doing and feeling.
As it has been a year on now, I find it harder almost than the first days. Because you are almost forgotten about, you shut yourself off from civilisation, become disconnected, out of sight and in some cases you hope out of minds of some people (a tricky one for me – put that’s for another day), and the having to get on with life. But you only truly appreciate the process or journey if you are in it. It’s all so incredibly difficult to explain or understand sometimes. Some days you get on with it, others you are so moody and cross you lash out at loved ones, in my case at my closest family. You find you do close yourself off but don’t wish to, but you are so vulnerable with your emotions that if you find something said to you offensive, to no fault of the person saying it to you, you dive in and go to town on the defensive. But you don’t mean to, it’s just a natural reaction during a time you are learning to figure things out. But as this part of the learning and getting used to life now comes to a close for the year of firsts – first Christmas, first New Years, first birthdays, first wedding anniversary, and first year anniversary since you left me.. the journey for the next phase thus begins as I hit my second Christmas, and second New Years without hubby, I’m assured it will open me up to a whole different and further involved process and all I can do is open myself up to this, another new adventure and understanding of what lies ahead.