The start to 2017 has been one I wish was smoother.. A new year that I had planned on starting over a fresh, but I’ve made and been making one big error all this time… I let everything build up inside and finally it has all got ontop of me, I’ve now caught up to the realisation of what has actually been happening all this time, to the point of a brain meltdown.. so it’s time to reboot, to start over..again..
One thing (yet another one thing) I’ve learned, is that you can’t just try to forget and deal with it later because it’s easier, to move the horrible difficult feelings to the back of your mind and continue to keep yourself busy. Because when the shit really hits the fan, all that ‘stuff’ you had buried so to speak, that you’ve put in the back of the minds filing cabinet, it surfaces at a time when you really need to have your shit together. I’ve recently realised that I have in fact being burying, being filing the difficult parts of widowhood in my minds filing cabinet to deal with later, but it’s now full… there is no more room and the realisation is and has been a bitch. Because I have been so busy convincing myself and indeed others, that I’ve got this all covered. I’ve been passing through all the milestones, difficult situations, upsetting emotions, the weeks, months and a full year with the thought that I’ve being managing it all, if you could say that… but I in fact was wrong… very very wrong.
You can’t just wing it, let time pass, get through each day to deal with the difficult stuff briefly, and hope that the old famous saying of ‘time heals’ and hope for the best with your fingers and toes crossed. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t shut yourself off from friends and family and keep yourself busy doing this and that, and get on with trying to deal with the now. And then in a few more weeks or months turn around and say “ah I’m sorry I was busy trying to get through it, figure it out on my own” when in fact all this time I was lying to myself. This is not the way to do things, so not the way… because it comes back and bites you HARD !
So I’m rebooting , I’m re-starting over, again, with a new mindset of not to just wing it or get through it and say “I’ll see you all when I’m done”, because that theory is not the one you need to be going by. So I apologise for all the talk before although it was honest to how I thought I was feeling, but I was in fact not trully feeling it, I was only touching the iceberg of what has really hit me. I realise I need to be around people, I need my friends, the ones that I have let fall off my radar. I need to be comfortable with myself again, comfortable with silence and my thoughts, not be afraid of what will happen if I open myself up to the outside, to the new beginning, to the new start… and not to be afraid to deal with hard times without my hubby although it is incredibly hard, I need to face that and deal with it by keeping calm, really deal with the emotions and accept them instead of burying them.. it’s time to find a new way of thinking, and new theory of things, and then open myself up to what really does happen next…. to live in the now, accept the feelings and emotions when they arise, face them instead of filing them away.
So my journey starts now….. hopefully I’ll see you along the way…. if you’ll have me….